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For a long time, I've been a disappointment to myself. I've let myself grow fat and lazy. I have a hard time making myself do anything productive. I've been a coward, and I've been willing to accept all this and just live with it.

I'm not happy. I've wasted so much time being a person I can't stand. I see others like me, and it angers me deeply. And as time passes, it only gets worse and worse.

Change is difficult. But if I don't, I'll continue down this slope of self loathing. So I'm forcing change to happen.

I've started off easy. The most obvious changes; physical. As many of you know, I've begun the hard work of losing weight. I've lost 30 pounds so far, and I've set a goal of 20 more, for now. I've been setting specific goals for myself, so I have something to aim for. I've also begun to dress better, keep myself better groomed. Things like shaving daily, keeping my hair cut neatly more regularly than before, using moisturizers and creams to make my skin look it's best. I've tossed out much of my clothes, and have purchased an almost entirely new wardrobe. I need to build up my body, make it something to be proud of. I started, but I stopped due to a flood of events that made it difficult. But I will start again tomorrow. And I won't stop this time.

What I've done so far has helped me a lot. I feel happier with my body, and this goes a long way to counteract my other feelings. Doing this is of the utmost importance, because, unfortunately, it's only the beginning. Deeper changes have to happen, and they are much more difficult. Parts of my personality and way of being have to be changed. But my mind works against me. 

I've always been lazy, but it's getting worse and worse. I've lost my creativity. I used to draw, I used to write, I used to want to make things. It's been years since I've produced art. This is why I decided to become a part of epic SugarWorks; it was to force art to become part of my life again. If I had to produce art because others depended on me, I would, because, while I had been perfectly fine with disappointing myself, I could not stand to disappoint others. And this has helped me greatly. It's also why I write this, to get words down, and kick start my mind. Already, this is much longer than I expected it to be, because my mind is racing, trying to get ideas out. I will continue to produce art, and keep my mind sharp.

I've also always been shy. More than just shy, I'm weak and cowardly. I fear change. It's a fear that shakes me to the bone. Thinking about it now makes my breath quicken, my heart beat hard in my chest. My vision closes up. I have great difficulty making new friends. As I've told others, when I meet someone new, I act as if they are no more than a potted plant, a piece of furniture in a room. They can become my friend if they keep trying, but few would want to bother, I feel. I've never told why I act this way, though. I have no idea how to interact with new people. I freeze up, and become incredibly uncomfortable. I do not doubt, I still feel this way about many of you who read this. It's uncontrollable.

I can say that in elementary and middle school, I never felt that I had any friends. There were people who were friendly with me, and I was friendly with them, no doubt, but I never felt comfortable with anyone in those days. Even through much of high school I was much the same, thought, by the grace of god, there were people there who, for reasons that bewilder me, seemingly insisted to be my friends. These friends forever have my gratitude, and, though some of us have become distant, our lives leading us to different paths, I hold each of them close to my heart. 

My love life is a mess, and I do not know if this is a symptom, or a cause. Probably is both, a cruel cycle making things worse. I'm miserable, so I'm lousy at love; I'm lousy at love, so I'm more miserable. Forever and ever it goes. The only women I've ever dated have had to practically tell me that they, too, were interested. Otherwise, I'd be frozen with fear. I fear rejection. In my life, there have been two moments where I found the strength of will to overcome that fear. Unfortunately, both times, I had been too late, stopped before I was able to express my thoughts and emotions. I feel these two events have deeply hurt me, as I have never felt the urge to try. Why, when it only means failure? Again?

This must end now. "I must not fear. Fear is the mind killer." I won't discuss this part any further, because it embarrasses me terribly, but know, like all the things mentioned here, I'm working on it. I'm going to get better. 

Alcohol helps. Funny to say, but it loosens me up, which is why in the past I've allowed myself to get drunk at parties. My fears simply disappear. Even with people I know and could call friends, if the group is too large, I will still become uncomfortable, so parties are difficult occasions for me. However, back to drinking, I need to stop doing so in excess. Beyond the damage that alcohol does to the body, once I sober up, I tend to feel more miserable than I did before, and this simply puts me a step back. So I'm going to learn to deal with large groups without a crutch.

So why am I writing this? More importantly, why am I about to post this to twitter, facebook, livejournal, and anywhere where the people who know me can read it? Firstly, I want to say, I do not do it to get your help. Pride is certainly one of my flaws, but one I intend to keep. I'm much too proud to look for help, this is my battle, and I'll win it or loose it by my own right. But if I put this out there, then I legitimize the problem. I make it real. I give it substance, and I can't dismiss it later, when I'm weaker, and tell myself it's all in my head. I need to confront this. 

So there it is. I am not the same man today that I was a year ago. I will not be the same man a year from now that I am today. I'm going to take my materials, and build myself a new me that I can be proud of. The road is long, and it will be a difficult journey, but it will be the most important of my life. I won't fail.

(to end things in a lighter note, I totally was tempted to end this with the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme, but I want this to be serious. Still, it would have been lulzy)